Desolation
by malecwrites
Summary: Alec deals with a panic attack. *May be triggering to some*


I felt as though my lungs were constricting, making me gasp for more air as my breathing began to quicken. The walls were closing in, hunting me down like they were lionesses cornering their prey – trapping it. I was weak. _Pathetic and useless little Alec, reduced back into the cowering mess that he always was and forever will be._

From the moment of waking up, the day felt like it would be a write off. It was still a pretty common occurrence for me to wake up and have to force myself out of the safety net that was our bed, because all I wanted to do was curl up even further into Magnus's chest and hide myself from the world. At least my job meant I didn't need to leave the comfort of my own home, but Magnus's did. He'd had to leave early in the morning to meet with a client.

On days like these I found it incredibly taxing just walking down the stairs in an effort of getting something to eat, but I would do it anyway – mostly for Magnus's sake, because I knew he wanted me to look after myself. Then I would try my best to convince my brain into walking, usually up to the Starbucks at the corner of the street, with varying degrees of success depending on how fatigued I felt. Today I had gotten as far as opening the front door – which I was disappointed with, yet couldn't cope with the thought of going anywhere further. It was difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I sometimes wasn't able to do activities when, where and how I wanted to.

Now, I was sat on the floor leaning against our garishly bright red sofa - a colour that had been glaring at me angrily for ten minutes before I'd decided that I couldn't take it anymore and had buried my head between my knees – with my heavy-weighing arms clutching my legs. A position that reminded me of a foetus in the womb.

I spent around ten more minutes trying to regulate the rapid pace of my breath, by thinking about almost anything that I could to take my mind away from the situation at hand, thinking about Magnus and how happy he always made me. Magnus certainly knew what to do when this sort of thing happened.

He'd slide himself down beside me, and talk to me in a soothing voice, creating a calm wave that washed over my whole body.

 _"It's all okay Alexander, you're okay. I'm with you darling and I'm fine, we're okay, you're safe next to me. Everything will be alright, I won't let anyone hurt us. "_

That was another thing I loved about Magnus. Whenever I was dealing with a panic attacks, he would use plurals to ensure that I didn't feel alone. And I'd keep my attention focused on him. Focused on the way he smelt of coconut, honey and freshly pressed linen. How his hair hung down to his shoulders when it wasn't styled, and his voice was as soft as melting butter.

As soon as I was feeling better enough to look at him, I'd let him hug me. I would sit and let his arms encase my shaking, tired and aching body. He would say something comical in an attempt to make me laugh, keeping my brain from sinking back into panic and sadness. It worked every single time. He was like a magician with the way he could switch my thought process around in an instant. Magnus just knew me so well, even when I felt lost in myself.

I sought comfort in the fact that Magnus would be home soon. Although this time he was unable to be there for me in a physical form, I knew that he had given up his soul for me, a way for him to show me that he cared. Magnus was all that I needed. He was the one I could trust. The one who brought me back from the edge of desolation, loneliness and insanity.

Obviously I understood that this took its toll on him as much as it did me. I couldn't imagine it being easy watching someone break down because they feel so vulnerable, and it's why I tried my best not to show my emotions for the most part. That never worked out, as Magnus knew me too well and I never could hide my feelings around him for extended periods of time.

Magnus would be my rock, the person that I depended on, and I hoped that I could fulfil the same for him for as long as he allowed.

He would be in my heart for eternity.

* * *

 _ **So this is my first fanfiction on here! Did you like it? Any improvements?**_

 _ **Thank you for reading. :)**_

 _ **-Rose**_


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